The Hurt
by sexii-severus
Summary: Hermione's parents die and she finds she has put all her trust in 1 person. self harm included if you don't like that then don't read it HGSS Both a bit OOC
1. The Hurt Begins

I was sitting in the kitchen at Grimauld Place talking to Ginny about her summer. 'Well Harry has been on my mind for a while as you know but he told me how he feels about a week ago and as you can imagine we have been sneaking of down to the shed every now and then to… well you know' we laughed at what she implied. I don't know what she sees in Harry but none the less I'm happy for her. A few of the order members were staying in the house until school went back. There were the Weasley's, Sirius, Me, Harry, Lupin and Professor Snape. Snape was only here on Dumbledore's orders though.

A brown owl swooped through the window and rested in front of me. The letter had a Ministry of Magic stamp on it so it must be important. I sat there staring at it for a moment thinking about what could have been so important for the Ministry to have owled me. I started to panic and tore the letter open. It read...

_To Miss Hermione Granger_

_We are terribly sorry to inform you that during a recent death eater raid your parents have been murdered._

_A Ministry Official will see you back at school on the 3__rd__ day back._

_Yours Sincerely_

_The Ministry of Magic_

I must have reread the letter 4 times before looking up. Harry, Ron, Ginny and Mrs Weasley were all watching me. 'Well dear, what does it say then?' Mrs Weasley said. I threw her the note and said 'I need some time alone' and walked off to my room.

How could this have happened? Why am I not crying? Why were death eater's near my parents anyway? Questions were swarming through my head, none of which I could answer. It was only about 3 in the afternoon so I wouldn't have to see anybody until dinner. I probably won't even want dinner. I have lost any desire to eat or sleep or do anything, I just want to sit here on my own. I sat on my bed and stared out the window. It was raining. Maybe I'm dreaming this but maybe I'm not… Oh what am I going to do? I have nobody to stay with unless you count the burrow or Grimauld Place but I refuse to stay at either. There are too many people and I didn't want that.

I could hear foot steps coming up the stairs. Not wanting to be disturbed I raised my wand and put a ward on my door so that only the people I desire to talk to would be allowed access. 'Dear please come out' said Mrs Weasley. I ignored her and let my thoughts get the better of me. Were was Snape anyway? He is a death eater but he is a spy but maybe he will no something about my parents. I suddenly felt a rush of trust for Snape. He had always been mean to me but I knew he had a softer side that he hides away. For some reason the only person I wanted to see was him. It was like I needed him now more than ever.

I should be hurting for what happened. It's probably my fault their dead. I needed to hurt. I got up off my bed and walked up to my wardrobe. I took out the spare razor for my shaver and went back with it and sat on my bed. I lay the razor in front of me and stared at it. This is my fault. Their dead I can't bring them back. My heart felt broken I felt like nothing mattered anymore, I was nothing. I picked up the razor and lifted up the sleeve of my jumper. Without even thinking I put the blade to my skin and slowly sliced it along my skin. The pain was comforting it helped; it was like this is what I was suppose to do. I brought it to my skin 6 more times before placing it down.

I Lay down with blood oozing from my open wounds and slowly fell asleep.

I awoke and looked at my clock it said 10:00 pm. Shit I had slept for ages. I got up and could feel a stickiness below me and saw my blood on the sheets and on my left wrist. Someone knocked on my door. 'May I please come in Miss Granger?' It was Snape. I swiftly cast a cleaning spell to get rid of all the blood and took one last look and my scarred wrist before pulling my sleeve down over it. I walked to the door and opened it to see Snape. He didn't have his usual scowl on his face it was actually very relaxed, still not smiling but relaxed. 'Can I come in?' He said. I nodded. I sat on my bed and he sat on the chair he had conjured for himself. 'Miss – Hermione can I call you that?' I nodded yet again. This certainly was a change from him maybe he was taking pity on me and if that's the case I don't want his pity. 'Professor Dumbledore wishes for me to teach you occlemency' he paused. 'I trust you no what that it?' 'Yes' I replied. That was the first word I had spoken since I found out about my parents. 'Good. He wishes for us to start almost immediately because he believes the dark lord is now going to be after you.' My expression did not change as I said 'why?' He looked at me expectantly. 'Professor' I added. 'Because when the death eater's had finished his… bidding they wrote your next mudblood on your lounge room wall. I will expect to see you tomorrow night at 8 in the lounge room on the 3rd floor' with that he left.

I was just about asleep that night when I heard a pecking noise at my window. I opened the window and took the note off the owl.

Dear Hermione

I would like to see you tomorrow. Please meet me at my house at 11.

From Your Uncle Chris

Oh great now I have to see this rude bastard. Fan fucking tastic.

I woke up at 10:30 and swore as I got up. I can't be late or Chris will have something narky to say about it. I quickly got dressed and put a charm on my hair to make it sit in soft curls around my face. I still had no desire to eat so I skipped breakfast. I was now 18 thanks to using the time turner in 3rd year even though I was still in my 7th year. I was legally able to apparate and aparrated to outside my uncle's little cottage.

My Uncle was an unmarried, rude, obnoxious man of whom I had no intention to see but he was my dad's brother and he had just died so I thought it was polite to accept his invitation. I knocked on the door and he opened it and motioned for me to come in. He knew I was a witch but he was the only other family member who knew that piece of information. I closed the door behind me and turned around and as I did that I felt a sharp blow to my leg. The bastard had kicked me down. I grasped my leg and screamed 'WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?' he smiled at me and said 'This is your fault you little whore' He jumped on top of me and was hitting me anywhere he could. My body was already aching and it had only been about a minute. I tried to fight back but it was no use he was too strong. Dammit I was still not crying what the hell is wrong with me?!?! He started ripping my clothes of. He wouldn't well I hope to god he wanted touch me like that. I was feeling scared now. I now had no top on and he had successfully got me down to my undies . He ripped the side of them and they just fell off my now bruised and bloody body. He unzipped his pants and said 'you deserve every little but of this you little slut. You bitch it's your fault your parents, my brother is dead. I hope your happy now!' He positioned himself so close to me and as I felt the head of his penis on my skin I remembered I could apparate. I put my hand back and touched my top and thought strangely of the door of Snape's room at Grimauld Place.

I had successfully aparrated out the front of Snape's room. He had obviously heard me apparate as he opened his door first with an angry look on his face but it very quickly changed to shock as he looked at me. I was half naked only with a top covering my bottom half as that is were I had placed it. I was also heavily bleeding from all the blows I had received. I just lay there and curled into a ball on the floor and hid my face. My body ached so much.

'Hermione…. NO' he rushed forward and took me in his arms. The last thing I remember is him placing me gently on his bed and feeling so safe being with him. I passed out after that.

A/N I no Snape isn't very in character but that's just how it is. He will be a bit more himself in other chapters though. Please review! Flames accepted also any helpful hints would be cool to thanks guys


	2. Screaming For Him

A/N Snape still a bit OOC.

I awoke aching all over trying to think of why I was hurting. Then I remembered what my Uncle Chris did and hoe Severus had taken me to his room. Only this wasn't his room at Grimauld Place… we were back at school.

I opened my eyes and say I was in his bedroom. The bed sheets were black and the bed was made of mahogany. There was a single bookshelf with what I guessed were his favourite books. A small mahogany bed side table next to the bed. I peered up to the door and noticed it was closed. I felt trapped. What if Chris came to get me? I started to panic again.

I shut my eyes tight and screamed as loud as I could 'SEVERUS!' all of a sudden the door burst open and he ran over to me. I had pulled my knees up to my chest and put my head on the top of my knees. He sat next to me and put his arms around me. He whispered in my ear. 'No one will ever hurt you again Hermione. If I find out who did this to you I will curse that bastard from here to next century.' This comforted me to know he was here next to me. I raised me head to his shoulder and he turned awkwardly so he could just see my face. I didn't want him to see the tear that silently slid down my face. I felt so shameful I mean I had turned up to his room half naked.

'Dumbledore has said you may stay down here as long as you wish to recuperate. Your stuff is already down here. There is something of a serious nature we must discuss though but it can wait until after you are dressed and have eaten.' Severus said in a very neutral tone. With that he squeezed my hand trying to reassure me and went to leave. As he did he went to close the door and I said 'No' 'But you need to change?' he replied a bit curious as to why I would say no. 'I need the door open I feel trapped other wise'. He nodded and left.

I quickly dressed while thoughts of this discussion of a serious nature would be about. It worried me.

I walked out of the room and into Severus's living room. I sat opposite him on one of his soft leather sofas. On the table between us there was some pumpkin juice and toast which he motioned for me to eat. I stared at it and pushed it away. I looked up at him again and said 'What do we need to discuss?'

'Your Uncle Chris is not who you think he is. He is not a muggle as you may think but he is a wizard. He has recently joined the ranks of the death eaters because of his service's to Lord Voldermort which was the brutal beating of you. Dumbledore thinks he may come back for you which is why you are staying with me and also because I believe you feel some what safe around me.' At this I nodded to agree with his last statement. 'Hermione I no you have seen me as a horrible man but I would like to say sorry for that. Around some people as you know I must keep up my guarded demeanour but I would like to show you my softer side.' I smiled at him. 'I hold you in my highest respects Severus' I said quietly 'As do I to you' Severus said, a smile was playing on his mouth. 'I do care for you. I hope you know that' with that he walked into his study

He cared for me and I knew he would protect me but oh gods I could see I was going to die. That's all I could think. I rushed of to Severus's bathroom and locked the door. I didn't like the door being closed but I needed to be alone. This was too much for me to take. He was going to come back for me. He may succeed to rape me the next time and kill me afterwards. I was so scared. My parents were dead, My Uncle had lied to us and was know trying to rape and murder me. I couldn't take this I needed a release.

I searched all through his bathroom cupboard until I found what I was looking for… his razor. I brought it to my wrist twice both quite deeply. Blood was gushing out of my left wrist again. I didn't want to do this I had to stop. It was not good for me and I knew that but it just made me feel a bit more whole like I used to. I had stopped myself from a cutting a while ago. It was when Sirius died that I had done it once or twice but I stopped after that. In the end it gave me the terrible feeling of being dirty. I couldn't help but feel worn out so I lay on the floor of Severus's bathroom and fell asleep almost immediately

I started to dream a terrible dream….

…..::::Dream Sequence::::…..

I was lying on my uncle's floor again only this time he was in death eater robes. 'I have you now you dirty little whore. You can't get away this time' his raspy voice said. He started hitting me again and again. The blows were breaking my ribs I could feel it. He was ripping at my clothes again. BANG the door of his cottage swung open to reveal a bright green light…

…..::::End Dream Sequence::::…..

I awoke and sat bolt upright. I was still on the bathroom floor. My piercing screams could be heard all through the dungeon floor. I was screaming for him again…

A/N I do no that it is a dark fic and it does not depict the Hermione we no but this is just a twisted version of her. This is a short one but next Chapter should be long because I have tones to put into it.

Please review! D


	3. Pork Buns and Memories

A/N Sorry for the delay!

It has to be about 8:00 on a sunny Monday morning. I was lying on Severus's Bathroom floor screaming out for him to come to me.

A few moments later I heard the door knob being yanked but I had locked it. Severus Blew the door of its hinges and ran over to the floor were I lay.

I must have looked a mess. My hair was every where; I had blood stains on me and cuts down my wrists. But I wasn't out to impress anyone at this time.

Severus knelt on the floor next to me, put his arms around me and picked me up of the floor. I put my face into the crook of his neck and cried my heart out. He whispered in my ear. 'It's ok Hermione I'm here now.' 'Yes' I replied while sobbing uncontrollably. 'But you have class today'. 'No Hermione school doesn't start until next week'. In reply I snuggled up to him even more.

I had felt so close to Severus. I knew he wouldn't hurt me but I can't say the same for other boys. I didn't want Severus to leave my side unless he had to.

He carried me over to the bed and said 'Hermione, I care a lot about you and I don't like seeing you upset or having night terrors. I know this is the first time you have actually cried since any of this happened and well…' He had never been this caring to anybody before but I liked it. 'If there is anything you wish to talk about then I wall always be here. I mean always Hermione.'

I cried for another minute or two but settled down enough to tell him about what my uncle had said and did to me. It was heart breaking to have to go through the details again. It was like reliving it all. I also thought the dream I had last night was a bit weird so I mentioned that to.

'My uncle was beating me again and telling me I was a dirty whore' I sobbed a little more but continued 'It almost felt real how he was breaking my ribs.' I put my hand on my ribs to emphasise this. 'He started to rip at my clothes but then the door sharply opened and a saw a green light coming form the door.'

'When did you say this dream occurred?' Severus said quickly and with utmost seriousness to his tone. 'Last night… Severus this dream couldn't possible be a... a... a premonission of sorts could it?' I barely spluttered the last part out.

Severus sighed and said 'Let's hope not. I really don't want you hurt anymore but I will have to report this to Dumbledore' I looked at him fearfully. If he has to tell Dumbledore he may have to leave me… alone but I can't take being alone. Oh gods…

Severus pulled me into a tight embrace as I clung onto him not wanting him to ever move again. 'I will be writing him a letter and sending my raven to deliver the letter so no I will not have to leave you Hermione.' His re-assuring tone and the way he said my name made me feel quite calm.

Severus did something I never saw possible for him to even think about. He kissed me head and let go of me to go over to his desk. I felt so safe right at this moment.

Severus turned to me. 'Your body is not fully healed of the wounds inflicted yet so you will need to take a rest soon. Is there anything you wish to eat or drink before then Hermione?' He said silkily.

Well there was something but I don't know if they would have it here. 'Well… do they have pork buns here?' he thought for a few moments before answering. 'I'm not entirely sure. I have never heard of them what are they?'

'Wow have I found something that the all wise potions professor does not know of?' I said smartly. He smirked. 'Well Severus they are a Chinese food. It is pork with some sort of sauce wrapped in sweet dough. You should try them'

He thought about this. 'Very well. I shall eat a snack with you and see if they have these pork bun things.' I giggled. 'Do you find something funny' I actually laughed this time. 'Well I never thought about you saying bun before it sounds quite funny actually… wow it feels good to laugh again. I have found it hard to be happy lately but I always seem to feel better with you around.' I blushed

'As do I Hermione.' I smiled. Severus snapped his fingers and a small house elf appeared in front of him. 'Miss Granger' He said slyly 'and I would like a helping of pork… buns' he stopped as I giggled. 'Each' he finished. With that the house elf disappeared and reappeared within seconds with 2 plates with 4 pork buns on each.

We sat at his small table and began to eat. I had finished one in no time and I said 'Mmm I haven't had these since my mother made them last year.' I looked down at my plate in remembrance of the times we spent making these in the kitchen at home. I missed her and my father so much. My heart sunk and broke each time I thought about them.

Severus said anxiously while having his first mouthful 'Well they do taste quite good if I may say so myself.' I smiled gladly at the pull back out of my thoughts. 'Yes and that's why they are my happy food.' He smiled and let out a soft laugh. 'I like it when you smile and laugh…'

It was quite late at night now. The rest of the day had gone by quite silently. Most of the day I sat huddled up deep in my thoughts.

'It's time for bed now Hermione.' I looked at him feeling a bit scared and anxious 'Severus I no you will probably say no but… I was just wondering if I could well sleep in the same bed as you. I know it's not appropriate but it may help me with my nightmares and I fel safe with you and less likely to… well you know.' Implying to the need to hurt myself which swept over me at sudden times like a tidal wave but instead I would try not to. I would start to shake a little and play with my hand or whatever is in my hands. I had also scratched a little at my wrist but when the urge had stopped I new it was only a small amount of time before it came back. I was improving though.

Still wrapped up in my thoughts I had realised I had asked Snape a very important question. I looked up to see his eyes meet mine. 'Offcourse you can Hermione.'

With that we walked over to his bed. I had gotten changed earlier to have a nap so he went into the bathroom to change. When he came back out I was already tucked into his blanket and quite ready to sleep. He got into the bed next to me and there was a moment of awkwardness before I rolled over so my back was facing him and backed up a little. Taking the sign I had hoped he got he put his arms around my waist and held my back to his body. I quickly fell into slumber land The last thing that had crossed my mind before sleep overcame was what was going to happen when school started. I had decided to leave that thought for tomorrow and just enjoy were I was now.

Dreams of my parents had gotten worse through out that night. I was seeing them happy and dancing and laughing. Then I would see them fighting and yelling and the time when they lashed out at me. I didn't want to remember this I really didn't

A/N I no Snape is out of character but he is only going to be like that with Hermione. More of the old Snape coming in next chapters.

Pork Buns are really good you should all have them. They are my happy food

Gets happier from here


	4. The Note

The memories of my parents that I least wanted to remember plagued my dreams that night. All the times they had fought and the times they fought with me…. I don't know why but they were just on my head. I tried to think of better times but I always returned to the worst.

I woke up and rolled over expecting to see Severus lying next to me but he was gone. I panicked what if something had happened to him. I pulled my legs out of the bed and stood up. I walked over to the door and opened it slightly. Peering around the door I saw him in the kitchen making coffee. Relief swept over me.

'Good morning' I said sleepily to him. He replied with a curt nod.

The days leading up to school all went pretty much the same. I would go to sleep in his arms feeling the safest I ever had and wake up to him making coffee. We would spend the days either in his lab or together in his rooms. I was actually happy. I felt a bit bed for being happy though because of what had happened but I tried to let that go.

On the day before school was to start Severus and I were requested by the headmaster. We both walked up to his office in silence. I had a fair idea of what this meeting was to be about.

'Ahh Miss Granger, Severus. How are you both?' I said 'Fine' and he said 'yes fine.' The headmaster looked at us over his half moon spectacles and continued on 'Now, we have some things to discuss before school goes back. I know that you to have gotten close to each other. Miss Granger I understand your issue of trust at this present time but tomorrow night you will be returning to school which means returning to your dorm. We will see how this arrangement goes but if you do have trouble please come and see me.' I nodded. I didn't want to think about being by myself all over again and the dawning of a new school term was approaching.

That night as usual Severus was cuddled up to me and sleeping but I just could not find sleep that night. I was to worried about how I would go with everyone tomorrow.

Morning approached all to soon and before I new it I was on my way to the great hall with Severus. 'Hermione, out of privacy I think it would be better to address each other formally and also' he stopped and grabbed my hand 'If you are having trouble with anything please see me and remember… I care.' He left to go through the side entrance to the hall and left me standing there. He cared… well at least that made me a bit more confident. I walked into the hall and went and sat in my seat next to Harry and Ron. They offcourse new nothing of the goings on of the holidays and I was content on keeping it that way.

'Hermione!' Ron and Harry yelled as they pulled me into a tight embrace. I didn't really like it but I let them. 'Hey guys I have missed you both so much.' I said. We had breakfast and went off to our first lesson which was double transfigurations.

We all sat in our seats ready for class. Professor McGonagall entered the classroom and walked up to the front ff the class. She tapped the board and many words and diagrams presented themselves. 'Today we are going to be learning to transfigurate clothing into furniture.' It was an easy enough task and I had offcourse completed early. I tried to help Neville as I noticed he was having some trouble. As I walked over to his desk Malfoy and his followers followed me and as a result cornered me. I looked over Malfoy's shoulder to see if the Professor was watching but she was gone. She had probably gone to her back room for something.

'Yes mudblood we sent McGonagall off to find us some more clothes.' My heart started to race. What was going on? 'You no your uncle? The one who you saw over the holidays, well he has asked me to keep an eye on you. He said he didn't want his toy damaged.' Malfoy grabbed my collar and pulled me roughly to the ground. Before he could do anything I had sprung out of the room and down the hall. I chanced a look behind me to find him running after me. I tried to run faster but he was catching up at a fast rate. I had got down the dungeons stairs just as he pushed me. I feel and hit my arm on the ground. The pain was surging through me but I was focusing more on him. He walked casually over to me and said 'You are going to pay for that you little bitch'.

I then did the only thing I saw I could do I screamed. I recon I was so loud the whole castle could hear me. I was so afraid he would do what my uncle did that I just kept screaming. Malfoy panicked and ran just as Severus came out of his classroom door. 'Oh god.' he said. He must have seen Malfoy because he then yelled 'Malfoy get you ass back here right now!' I just wanted to be alone so as Severus walked over to me I got up and ran for it. I didn't stop running until I got to the astronomy tower.

It was not long before a beautiful white and black owl swooped down to me. I took the letter from it.

_Hermione_

_Meet me in the rose garden._

It wasn't signed but I thought it might be Severus because I ran off. I sat there for a while contemplating whether I should go but in the end I decided I should. I walked down to the Rose Garden and sat on one of the benches. No one was here so I went to walk away. I turned around to go back the way I had came but was forced to the ground by some one… but who?

A/N ooooo cliff hanger but probably one you can guess anyway R & R


	5. Road To Recovery

A hand lay firmly on my back trying to push me to the ground. It was to strong so overpowered me and sent me body to the wet, green grass. I tried to look at who was attacking me but a sharp blow to the head stopped me as I tried to look. I was feeling dizzy and could feel blood trickling across the back of my neck. I got that familiar feeling of a hook behind my navel as we aparated somewhere.

I opened my eyes when I felt the feeling stop. I was lying on a hard wooden floor. I cautiously sat up to view my surroundings. There was overturned furniture scattered all over the room I was in and it smelt like smoke. There were 2 doors from this room one on my left and one on my right. My attacker wasn't in the room so I pondered where it had gone. As I thought this the door on the left slammed open with a loud thud.

My attacker was standing in the door way. He had black death eater robes on and a cream coloured mask covering his face. He stood there for a moment watching me squirm backwards. Oh no I thought, this place has got to be my uncle's house. Chris waved his wand and his mask vanished showing me his face. He looked angry and I couldn't help but think this is all too familiar. It clicked to me that I was here in my dream.

He walked closer to where I was now sitting on the floor. 'You told that man about me, I know you did but I have you now you dirty little whore. You won't escape this time.' He said sounding raspy. He kneeled over me and started punching me over and over again. I couldn't believe I was back here and he sounded so sure I wouldn't escape. He pulled his right arm back and swung it as hard as he could into my ribs. I felt a few ribs break. The pain was unbearable and it left me feeling quite woozy. I gripped my ribs and he started to rip at my clothes again. He had just got my pants off when I heard a loud bang. I looked to my right and the door had swung open revealing a bright green light.

I saw a tall man appear after the green light faded. It must have been a protective spell Chris had used. The man silently waved his wand and sent Chris flying into the wall and into unconsciousness. The tall man then waved his wand again and binds appeared on Chris's wrists and ankles. After that the pain took over and I passed out.

I awoke soon after lying in a comfy bed with black covers. The first thing I noticed was my body was aching all over from what had happened. I was so afraid he was going to get me now so I stayed alert and listened closely for any noise. I had listened for about 5 minutes but couldn't hear anything. I took in my surroundings and realised I was back in Severus's room. But where was everyone. I attempted to get out of bed but my hest was hurting so bad I couldn't manage.

I heard footsteps approaching the door. Not sure of who it was I got my wand at the ready. The door slowly opened and Severus's face appeared behind the door. He saw I was no longer sleeping and walked over to my bed. He sat next to me and I tried to sit up but I couldn't. I gasped at the pain and he said 'Try to get some rest. Your ribs were broken and you have been treated for it but it will still take another few hours before you are good to move again.' I sighed and grabbed his hand in mine. 'You were the one who saved me from h-h-him weren't you?' I said shakily. 'Yes' He replied. 'He has been sent to Azkaban for being a death eater and for the harm he did to you.' I nodded.

We sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. 'What about Malfoy?' I said. 'We can't really do anything about that at the moment but I can assure you he will not bother you again.' He squeezed my hand gently and left me to rest.

I awoke yet again feeling the safety of Severus's bed. I wriggled around a bit to find my ribs were healed now. I got up and headed to the bathroom. It was mostly silver in the bathroom but the mirror was decorated with green serpents slithering around the outside. I looked at myself. I looked tired and worn out. I was afraid of what today would bring as I would have to see so many people again. I sighed and said to myself 'Well I guess it's time for school again.'

As I walked to the great hall for breakfast I had a small spring in my step because I now knew I was on the road to my recovery. I also knew that Severus would help me which gave me great comfort. I came into the hall and sat in between Harry and Ron. They both greeted me and Ron said 'So what did you do on your holiday Hermione?'

A/N sorry this chapter took so long. I have been having personal problems. R& R


	6. Encounter With Malfoy

As I walked to the great hall for breakfast I had a small spring in my step because I now knew I was on the road to my recovery. I also knew that Severus would help me which gave me great comfort. I came into the hall and sat in between Harry and Ron. They both greeted me and Ron said 'So what did you do on your holiday Hermione?'

I had chosen not to tell anybody about what really happened on my holiday because I honestly didn't think I could go through having to tell it to somebody again. 'As you know my parents died and I was taken back to the school because I needed space. So I spent my days reading and that's basically it.' They took my answer for which I was glad for. The boys started to eat while I just looked at my food. I had eaten on the holidays but not much. My stomach was still turning a bit from being nervous about today so I just played around with the bacon on my fork. As Harry was talking to Ron he edged a bit closer to me on the seat so he could be a bit closer to Ron to talk to him. Normally this was fine but today it made me feel a bit scared in a way. My heart was pounding by the time Ron moved closer and the only thing I could think of was to get up and walk out of the great hall. To be nice I waved at the boys as I left.

Classes were pretty much normal for me today except for the odd 'Hermione why are you so quite? Is something wrong?' but I just insisted I was fine. I tried to sit more on my own to avoid feeling trapped but as I walked through the halls from class to class even just a brush of an arm on mine made my heart go wild with fear. There was only one person I could tolerate touching me and that was Severus.

Classes were over and so was dinner. I walked down that all too familiar hallway down to the dungeons. As I walked I stared down at the grey stone on the floor in front of me. I reached Severus's room and hesitated slightly before knocking on his door. He opened it and reached out his arm motioning me to enter. The fire was glowing in the corner of the room as we sat on his plush sofas. We talked of the happenings today and I told him how I felt when I walked through the halls. 'Persevere Hermione. You have done so well and I know you can over come this.' He said. And he was right. I had come so far from the girl who use to cut herself on the holidays.

The next week passed quite the same. Severus and I met twice a week to talk and we were getting closer and closer. The last time we talked as I went to talk out the door he pulled me into a warm embrace, kissed my forehead and said 'I wish I didn't have to let you go.' I also wish he didn't. It was so comforting being with him.

The next day I was patrolling the halls. As head girl it was one of my duties. I was just thinking about why Dumbledore chose Malfoy to be head boy when who should walk around the corner but the ass himself. I was slightly afraid of him but I wouldn't let it show. He looked me up and down then walked over to me. I wanted to walk away but my legs stayed as if glued to the wooden floor. Malfoy stood directly in front of me and leant in to whisper in my ear. 'So sad to hear about Chris going to Azkaban… but it leaves you free for me. You will be my dirty little secret.' He said demandingly. I still stood there frozen. He leant back and looked me up and down again. 'Until next time" he said as he walked away. What was that all about I thought to myself.

The next morning I woke up to find myself not in my bed where I had fallen asleep but in…Oh no…. how did I get here?

Where is Hermione and how did she get there?

Won't be as bad as you think because I need to make it happier so hopefully the next chapter will tie up loose ends like Malfoy and secure relationships like Severus


	7. The Ledge

Hey guys – just to let you know this chapter does get a bit dark and suicide is a topic so just a warning. R&R

I had awoken in Severus's room again. It felt so safe there I never wanted to leave. I sat up not wanting to leave those warm sheets but I knew I had to find out why I was here. Just as I was wondering this the door crept open and Severus stuck his head in to see if I was awake. Upon seeing that I was he walked in and came and sat on the edge of my bed. Behind him floated in my trunks full of all my things. 'Whats going on?' I asked slowly and cautiously. 'Well, we now believe Malfoy is going to continue with your Uncles work and so the headmaster wishes for you to be placed under my constant watch. I know this isn't going to sound very good to you but you are also being placed under a suicide watch as the traumas lately have the headmaster believing you may do yourself great harm'. I sat there and contemplated this. I had ever really thought about going through with suicide but now that everything has piled up on top of me the thought was just sitting there. I felt very isolated. I just wanted to escape.

I was allowed to have the first 2 lessons of today of for only god knows what reason. I stayed curled up in Severus's bed for a little longer until finally getting up and dressed. After being dressed I went to the bathroom to do my make-up and hair. I walked in to find all my essentials on the counter on one side and Severus's on the other side. My brush was in the front so I grabbed it and looked up to start brushing my hair in front of the mirror. The only problem was the mirror was gone. There was a shadow on the wall where the mirror had been so Severus must have taken it away. I found this to be extremely odd. After doing what I could without a mirror I wandered out into the lounge room. Severus mustn't have had a class because he was sitting on the couch watching the fire. I walked up and sat beside him and stared at him. 'How are you dealing Hermione?' he asked gently. I was so sick of talking it got me no were. I felt this pull in me and I just mindlessly wrapped my arms around him as he did to me and stayed there for at least an hour.

It was now almost time for transfiguration and as I walked out the door Severus said 'I'm sorry about the mirrors I just care to much for you to hurt in anyway shape or form. I … I like you to much for anything bad to happen…' I was stunned as he placed a soft kiss on my fore head. I smiled back at him and hugged him again before leaving.

Transfigurations was a blur. Severus was racing through my mind along with how pointless like is without him. My life is only worth living right now to see him everyday otherwise I'm not sure what I would do. I was now mindlessly walking just placing one foot in front of the other on my way to advanced potions when Malfoy pushed me against a wall. 'So mudblood, I think I will take whats mine now.' Malfoy said ass he cupped my ass in his hand and opened the door next to us. I was shoved into an empty potions classroom and onto a desk. I was so numb that I just lay there and let his filthy hands roam over me. I was going to be raped I knew it and I still couldn't feel a FUCKING thing! What was wrong with me? Malfoy's hands had just gone up my skirt when he flew off me. How had this happened? What was going on? The only thing I could think of to do was run for it. I ran and I ran until I reached the astronomy tower.

It was cold up there and I could feel the wind blowing up my skirt but I didn't care. I wasn't exactly sure why I ran here but it all felt right. I walked over to the window and looked out on the grounds. I could see 2 students skipping class. They were holding hands and walking out onto the quidditch pitch. They stopped and kissed each other. 'That's something I could never feel… real love.' I said to nobody. I could see the baby unicorns with their flowing bluey silver hair playing happily on the edge of the forest. 'I could never be that happy again…' What was I to do now? I didn't have a care in the world or a soul that cared about me. I was obviously worthless and dirty because of how Malfoy and my uncle used me, my so called 'friends' never cared… this was just all too surreal.

I crossed to the other side of the tower and onto the ledge. I looked down and tried to think rationally…. But what was a desperate girl to do?

I'm so terribly sorry it has taken me so long to update. I have so much going on for me and it got better and now its getting worse again but I wanted to right this and I guess it's a good way to use my emotions. Please review it would be great to hear from you all!


	8. Isolated

**I no im sorry I haven't updated in a VERY long time but I have now. Excuses at the bottom for now enjoy**.

As I stood there on that ledge the icy wind blowing all around me I thought about the life I had led. Parents who fought a lot… they died…. Friends who just want to copy my homework and call me a bookworm… An Uncle who physically and sexually abused me then attempted rape…. Malfoy who thinks im some piece of meat…. Is that all I am? Something to be used… tormented… Whats a life worth living when your not really living at all really just trying to survive in this crazy jumble.

I made up my mind, I needed to go. The ends of my black school shoes now over the edge of the ledge my mind telling me to jump, my heart racing with the fear of the unknown.

'I care….' I turned around to find Severus just standing there, a tear in the corner of his left eye. 'The world doesn't' I replied. I started to cry, I hated where my life was. I walked back down past Severus and thought of something else I could do. I walked to the bathroom on the 3rd Corridor and sat down in the corner of a big cubicle. It was grey everywhere I looked… The world had no colour anymore I thought. I transfigured my watch I had on into a blade. I cut my wrist a few times not to deep then I cryed harder and bought it down hard and forcefully pulled it across my skin. I felt the burning sensation insantly as the blood trickled down my arm I dropped the blade. My head felt so heavy and I was becoming faint, I leant my head against the wall next to me and that's how I blanked out…..

'Is She going to be ok? Please tell me she will be ok Hermione please don't go'… 'Severus My Boy its ok she is going to be ok look…' I woke hearing voices around me. Had I died? Was this a dream? No I soon realised I was in the hospital wing, wrists bandaged and Severus in the seat next to me. He grabbed my hand and breathlessly said 'Thank God…'

Whatever I had done in my absent mind while transfiguring my watch I had made it so my wounds would have to heal naturally so I would have bandages around both my wrists for at the least 4 weeks. The minor cuts should have healed by then and the bigger one would be then examined again. I was put under suicide watch again by Severus but I was now more isolated than ever. I was told I could have 3 days off to move into Severus' room and recuperate.

The news had spread around like wildfire that I had tried to kill myself. As I went to find Severus during the day I could hear the whispers…. Hermione just wants attention… I hear she only did this so she could sleep with Snape…. I cant believe she has gone to these lengths to get better grades. Nobody could understand how those rumours hurt me so I stayed there on Severus' couch all day just sitting there curled up with a head full of nothing.

Soon it came time for me to go back to class. I woke up in the morning and said not a word to Severus. As I put my school shirt and jumper on I looked at the bandages… they were so ugly.. I rolled my sleeves down and continued to get ready. I headed down to the great hall to again just push food around on my plate and stare into space. Little did I know that the teachers had great concern for me so decided to call on a meeting regarding my well being.

First Class: Occlumency. My most hated class but these days every class felt the same. Today Professor Trewlawny decided to read my future out 'Oh dear child I see your near future is grim' yes I knew that thanks 'But… oh… I do see a change… lets just hope its not a grim one dear'. After this it was just note taking.

I started to feel really unclean after class… so many males around… so many could hurt me so badly… I skipped class all day and returned to Severus' room. The meeting was held between Professor McGonagall, Dumbledore and Severus during Lunch…

**Ok Excuses…**

**Christmas time was a big challenge for me and I went to camp afterwards and that was a very tough experience for me and I ended up opening up to a very nice girl.**

**Starting school yet another hectic experience**

**Fighting constantly with my boyfriend leading to not very good events**

**stayed with the friend I met on camp for a while to get away which was good but again opened up some old wounds so feeling pretty lousy…**

**REVIEW**


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